I don’t know how much longer I can go. Everything seems to be my fault! We got into another argument, this time it was bad. He tossed me around like a doll, he threatened that if I leave he would kill himself. But then he flipped the story and continued to say that it was my fault everything keeps going wrong. That I don’t listen and if I would just do as he says all the time we would be happier and closer. But he loves me right? He was there for me when no one was, he was like my best friend. The way he touches me under the sheets makes me feel alive. He whispers in my ear “no one else will love you”, and I believe him. I mean when he got angry with others, it was me who was the only one capable of calming him down. But it’s like I am also his punching bag. His words are his first weapon! Each phrase belittles me more. Arguments and accusations are intense. Each break up comes with pity cries that have me running back to him like a lost puppy. Did I tell you I lost my job? Yea, I accused him of sleeping with someone and he kidnaped me and tried to drown us. I didn’t think kidnapping your partner could be a thing but he didn’t let me go! Locked doors and bruises on my arm. I couldn’t get away. Took all lunch break that lasted most of the day. Cops were called and a scene was made.. I was a bad “influence for employment”. And still the good moments we have and the fear of losing my life keeps me tangled to his finger. I am afraid of a man I was in love with. I am only hurting myself more, slit wrists and sleepless nights. Somehow I still feel safer under his control than leaving.
Dear My Lord,
I am sleeping on the floor. I have had enough. I told him I wanted to end it and he refused to leave, he refused to sleep on the sofa and threatened me if I left. So I am on a blanket, possibly buying an air mattress this week. This floor is too hard. But I have a plan, I am saving money and I am looking at apartments. I have to come up with a safe exit plan to be able to save myself. It's a secret so I apologize if your pages get dusty, I can’t have him find my book. I have warned my family and my job. I found a couple close friends who I can stay with if anything. I also found a church! I have to be strong for my son. I have to prove to him that life isn’t always a struggle. I am done hurting and will get out of this. I promise.
I’m exhausted but I am in a one bedroom apartment. I am depressed and stressed! I look over my shoulder everyday. I don’t think I can raise this child alone, I am scared. It’s not that he is a burden but I feel like I am damaged goods. I am working a lot to provide a good life. But I am not myself, I don’t smile the same. Sometimes it feels impossible to move forward. It’s not easy to bounce back. I know there will be plenty of times where my strength is tested. So I shed a tear in the moment and forgive myself first. For allowing myself to believe that an entrapment was love. I’ve changed my number, and my route to work. I got a lawyer and know my legal rights. I deserve to be happy and I know I am worth more than diamonds and pearls. I will never lower my standards because I deserve the best. I was a woman who walked with grace and my head held high. I had a smile on my face and a glow in my eyes. Always one my 1’s and 2’s…. My p’s and q’s. I am gonna get her back, with her ego that was through the roof. She felt untouchable, unstoppable and I needed her to come back. Although I lost her, I will soon find her and learn to love her again.
I am smiling more, I sat in the dark and spoke to myself. I learned that's actually called meditation. Looked in the mirror and broke down. I had to wake myself up out of sadness; had to stop feeling bad for myself in tears every night. I will speak of nothing but positivity and allow happiness into my life. I bring out positive vibes to manifest greatness. I understand there are days where I will still cry and I will jump if someone approaches me a certain way. But I am aware of my triggers and accepted my flaws. I wish I can be happy and successful overnight but I understand it is the process that matters. I know I will fight a mental battle with fears and reminders of the past. But I got this! I got out of an abusive relationship. I survived concussions and beatdowns, I was broken down and I’m building myself back up! I got this!
It's been a few years since I last wrote to you, but just to update you... I have my own apartment, my own car and I'm thinking of starting my own business. My son is happy and healthy! He is so smart and I am so proud of him. I haven't slit my wrists, I haven't tried to hide. I am who I said I would be. An empowering woman and I hold my head high. I know who I want to be and continue growing each day. Best of all I found someone who has helped my healing journey and loved me unconditionally. He loves my son whole heartedly and supports me positively. This goes to show that there are men who aren't abusive or want to destroy you. I hope to one day help others be better and find a love for themselves and a love for you. Thank you for teaching me and being beside me. Thank you for allowing me to be a vessel to now share the testimony with others.