May 28th, 2022 the two lines were clear. I began pacing back and forth in shock that I was going to have another baby. I knew we weren’t financially ready, even if I swore our relationship was ready. But I was willing to make it work. Ready to hustle hard and provide. I went in for a proof of pregnancy and heard my baby's heartbeat. Strong like their dad. I knew we were gonna have support but we were too prideful to ask for help so I started gathering things and a good friend donated baby items. The room was getting full. July 5th, 2022 I walked into my first OB appointment. I laid down waiting to hear the heartbeat and see how big my baby grew, instead I was told there was no movement, there was no heartbeat. My heart sank and I drowned in screams and tears. The disappointment and sadness in my boyfriend's voice made me even more devastated.
Days passed and I became more numb. Then I had COVID so double sickness and not eating put me in a hole of depression. July 12th, my womb became fully empty and my heart had a hole. It hurt me more to know I didn’t tell my first born and he wasn’t excited but I think it's for the best. He shouldn’t be hurt. So much anger built up and questions of my worth arose. I did everything right; I changed my water intake, my diet, and lowered my stress levels. I wondered if I was worth enough to be a mom again? Worth enough to continue a relationship after a heartbreak with the man I love. I hurt him so much, and we were finally good and then I broke his heart again. Was this my fault? How could God allow me to birth a blessing in an abusive relationship, but when I enter an amazing relationship I can’t even have a full term. But that was the thing, God gave me the strength to leave that relationship with a blessing. My rainbow after a storm. But this time around it felt like there was no sunshine coming anytime soon.
It took more than a month to finally accept that it wasn’t in my control. Although there was no actual reason why I lost my baby, it was not my fault. I needed to heal from this heartache and find positive looks for my future. I could try again when we were 100% ready! I could focus on my son and financial struggles so when the right time came. In God’s time, we will be ready.
Thankfully, I had support from friends, and family to help me smile again. I had a shoulder to cry on and he made sure I stressed less about our life. I still feel I lost a part of me that day but I know who I am and how strong I can be for myself and my family.
Whether it was a loss at 9 weeks or full term, a miscarriage is not easy. It does put you in a dark place for sure. You feel alone and confused. No matter what time in your term it happened, it did occur! Do not allow anyone to tell you “at least it was early!" Here are some things to keep in mind :
- Do not blame yourself, most of miscarriages are out of our control. Take your time to grieve, it won’t happen overnight. Just like any type of death in a family or friend, we all understand the process of grieving is not short and easy. So take time to grieve for you and your baby, and for all the dreams you had with the baby.
- Find support with a family or friend, or find professional help. It is important to talk about your feelings and remember your emotions are valid.
- No need to rush to get pregnant again, but after grieving if you think you and your partner are ready then talk to a doctor to help about vitamins or proper care for you.
- You don’t owe anyone an explanation of why it occurred or how long or anything of the sort. You don't even need to share why you didm't tell anyone. You need to take care of yourself first.
- As you go through this process, do not shut yourself out. Be vulnerable and stay open. Your time for a child may not be now, but it will come. It may even come with adoption of the care of someone else. I am no psychic but don’t lose hope.
- Plant a tree, get a special jewelry, find a positive way to memorialize your loss.
Even if you haven’t gone through one but know someone who has, be mindful of their circumstance. You may not understand first hand but still be a supporter. Here are something to avoid saying:
-Please do NOT say “ I know what you are going through”, no need to compare grievances. If you did experience it, then state “ I lost my child such and such time ago.” Then leave it to them to continue that conversation.
-”You’re young, you can try again”. This doesn’t help, it just hurts to know you want to rush my process. And a child can not easily be replaced.
- “At Least you have your partner, or your other children”. Reminding me that my other child survived isn’t helping me grieve that I did have a child I lost.
-”I am here to listen.” Trust me, sometimes just listening while I just talk out loud helps so much.
-” I am praying for you”. A simple cliche quote, yet it lets us know you care enough to keep us in your thoughts through prayer.
Remember these steps to grievance and help them along the way:
- Denial, and isolation.
- Acceptance and grievance
Lastly, I didn’t share my pregnancy with a lot of people, I wanted those close to know but when it was time to share the news; my angel was no longer with us. Thank you to those who did know for reaching out constantly and giving me an ear. I could name a very short list of those who knew and stood beside me, and I forever grateful to have such amazing people around me. Most importantly, Thank You to my rock, my backbone, my loving partner Tre! You too were hurt but managed to be there for me while I cried in the closet, shower, and cried myself to sleep everyday. You were my strength and held the house together while I felt my life tearing apart. Thank You for loving me and not giving up on us and our successful future.
Friends, please don’t feel saddened that I didn’t tell you, and I know I could come to you for anything. But some things just remain in a personal bubble and I am sure you know that. I am mentally doing better and am healthier. I am here for anyone who has felt this pain and needs a shoulder. When I say that even a miscarriage triggers anxiety and depression. My wounds are still fresh and when I see someone whose due date was close to mine, I do silence myself. However, I pray about it and smile that their baby may be a happy and healthy one. I can now share awareness of pregnancy loss and help others who experience it. Thank you for reading my blog.