At The End I decided To Restart.

It starts with a knife to the inner arm or inner thigh, we don’t wanna die just yet but we wanna feel numb for a second. We want for one second to just focus on the inflicted pain instead of the drama or our mental health status. We want to ignore what others say about us, or what we say about ourselves. Once the knife or sharp object digs deep and cuts open skin, blood starts running down, and let me say it feels like a relief. Because for a split second everything was so intense, everything was so bottled in and once the cut opened it felt like our mind exploded. We become numb and with the help of drugs or alcohol we take, it adds to the numbness. Our mind isn’t focused on anxiety or depression at that moment. It’s focused on the released air we hold in when we are so focused on cutting. But then the stinging of pain when air touches the blood makes us remember why we did it in the first place. The healing process after that is just another reminder of how miserable we feel and how unworthy of life we see ourselves as. 

Then we continue to allow these negative thoughts and negative memories from the past to drown our happiness. We let out all this negative energy and it blinds us to believe everything around is negativity and we deserve it. We trick our mind into believing that even the light turning red when we approach it, is our fault. That if we would have left earlier the light would still be green. You see how little things like the color of a traffic light can influence our minds? You may be thinking: ‘no one thinks like that’ or ‘You are over exaggerating’ but believe me when I say that when our mind takes over and our depression starts to win EVERYTHING… EVERYTHING affects our look on life and ourselves.

Let's continue the scenario.So we have already drowned in emotion, and despair because we don't think that things will get better. Life has thrown obstacles at us that we don’t seem to overcome which just adds to the list of reasons we shouldn't exist. We shifted our mind from believing nothing will get better to why should it, if I'm still alive. And that is when we start the suicide thoughts. Our first attempt may not be successful because of our nerves or we didn’t take the correct amount of drugs or alcohol to succeed. But that may not help the situation to be reevaluated, instead it adds to the pain where we may want to try again. I know because that scenario was my story.

Every 40 seconds at least 1 person dies. That means that by the time you finish the last paragraph AND this sentence at least 1 person has died. But why? What can we do to prevent it?

The number one reason why people commit suicide is because of depression. Severe depression is always accompanied by the sense of hopeless and the belief that the only way to escape is through death. The thought of existing becomes heavy and a motive to commit suicide. Most of the time people plan it quietly, so no one can talk about it and no one knows.

Another reason would be someone's mental health may be psychotic. The voices in their head aren't from mediation but an actual illness. Psychosis can be treatable but is easier to mask than depression. Oftentimes drugs and alcohol can push the feeling to end their life so yes drugs and alcohol play a role. Sometimes it’s a cry for help, many people don’t wanna die but don’t know how to speak out about what they are going through. 

 They aren’t asking for attention but they may not really know how to ask for help. For example, “a young teenage girl suffering genuine angst because she feels lonely or has gotten into a devastating fight with her parents, may swallow a bottle of Tylenol—not realizing that in high enough doses, Tylenol causes irreversible liver damage. I've watched more than one teenager die a horrible death in an ICU days after such an ingestion when remorse has already cured them of their desire to die and their true goal of alerting those close to them of their distress has been achieved.” says Alex Lickerman M.D..

Lastly, a reason which isn’t rare is because they made a life mistake and feel that death is the only way out. Being in an abusive relationship motivated me to feel that choosing this man to love was a mistake. One I couldn’t take back and I had already felt judged. I felt that this was my fault, I had chosen this life and couldn’t escape. I felt I wasn’t a good mother, a good girlfriend or a good human. The only way to escape was to be killed or to kill myself. 

The day I decided to end it all, I already felt so useless and hopeless. I picked up the knife and that’s when I heard a voice. “STOP, KNOW YOUR PURPOSE”. Some will say it’s a conscience yet I believe it was God giving me a reality check. 

But of course, as alive as I am writing this blog; I can tell you that death is not the end result. 

If you or anyone you know is going through depression or having suicidal thoughts please seek help. Be supportive of someone who feels trapped and hopeless. Some signs to identify a suicidal person are: Withdrawing from loved ones, increased use of drugs or alcohol, or seeking revenge. Sleeping constantly or staying up to over analyze situations are other signs. 

If you noticed these signs or other suicidal signs in someone, ask them or call 988 if they seem to be in the midst of their crisis. Listen non judgmentally, encourage them and give them affirmations to have hope in another day. DO NOT GIVE ADVICE. Instead just hear them out and care for what they say, that way you hear the root of their suicidal thoughts. Give reassurance and encourage them to seek professional help. You may not fully understand them but in their eyes, you have given them a shoulder to lean on and a friend they need so dearly right now.

I looked in the eyes of my son and thought, “my world may be crumbling down but yours is just starting to be built. I will not ruin your world because mine isn’t up to par, instead I will heal and put a bandaid over my world's scars just to help you create a beautiful and successful life.” I also decided to challenge myself, how far could I get in success. How far can I get to be happy? My reason for living may be the same for a lot of single mothers but to those who don’t have this reason listen closely:

If God hasn’t ended your life yet that means you have a purpose. You lasted this long because you are worth something. You may not see it now but in due time you will find it. You just need to heal and see through the piled up negativity. Now is your time to shine, you survived death and survived hardship so live your life! You are strong even when you think you are at your weakest moment. You are much more than your opinions of yourself. Don’t end your story yet, live to write another chapter and help someone else write theirs. !

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