Attention: If you are in an abusive relationship please copy and paste the website link in your incognito browser! Then delete this website from your internet history asap.
^^ I wrote the above because I wanted to make a video. I wanted to show how personal this is and how I know we can survive it! But I didn’t want your abuser to hear it and it trigger anything.
Here are my secrets and tips to come up with a safe plan to get out of an abusive relationship.
Before you leave, you must decide that you WILL leave. You must know that you ARE READY to leave and NEED to leave. You have had enough and want to feel free! Create mental strength because you will need it!
-Start with research: check out all your legal options, support groups and how you plan to start healing.
-Keep in mind how dangerous your lover is. Identify all safe areas in the house, where no weapons are stored.
-ALWAYS keep your phone charged and teach your kids how to dial 911, and when to dial it. If you have children please talk with them of the situation, remind them to keep it a secret or create code words so when it's time to go they do not trigger any warning signs to the abuser. Let them know what NOT to say!
Tip: When leaving if your child is under the age of 6 children know “we are going to the store” or “we are visiting grandma”. Just until you are safe to let them know the truth. Most children still don’t fully understand emergencies.
-While planning, practice an escape plan. Can you exit out the back or is it safer to exit out a window?
-Be sure to find temporary care for your pets.
-Keep evidence! Any texts, recorded calls, pictures of bruises can be saved to a fake email account or drive. With this said, keep a journal or calendar of detailed incidents. This will help with the judge asking for proof.
-Slowly hide an emergency fund. Add money to this fund WEEKLY, so when it’s time to go you have some money to depend on. It may be hard but double the amount if you have kids.
-Seek legal advice. Womenslaw.org is a good website!
- Find you a village! This means don't be afraid to call on a friend for help. Some family members can also be a safe route.
-Finding your village will help find you a place to stay after you leave.
~ During this time I had let my leasing office know of the situation and they helped with my application to be eligible for a one bedroom apartment. This helped since I didn't have family in town and most of my friends were actually his friends. ~
When leaving minimize the use of neck fashion. The less jewelry worn the less they can use to choke and harm you.
-Have in hand your id, legal paper, emergency number and if possible clothes. However, clothes are not a necessity! You can always buy some later on.
-Re-Identify all safe areas in the house, where no weapons are stored (in case things get ugly you have a safe corner to run to).
-If while leaving the abuser notices and starts a fight, DO NOT GIVE UP! Take photos of any bruises or record any conversation. Even if it takes you 72 hours, FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE PLAN!
-Be strong, you got this!
After leaving:
-Alert authorities, get a restraining order.
- Let work, job, and close family be aware of the situation with limited details. (They will not judge, in fact they will be happy for how strong you are).
-Change number!
-If the abuser has left the house with a restraining order, change locks!
- Change route to work
-Reschedule appointments
-install security systems.
Congratulations to those who have made it, and to the ones who need to try again DO NOT GIVE UP ! You are not alone! Do not hesitate to seek help, and support even from strangers who have gone through the same thing. No one can judge your situation. No one is in your shoes to feel how you feel. Only you know when to make the right calls! But in the end know that you will conquer yesterday.
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship please give them affirmations, and be their strength when they want to give up. Be their support! It may be stressful and sometimes you may feel that they are not your responsibility or that their “drama” is none of your concern. But when a friend needs your help to SURVIVE, make it your business to help them carry strong.
Resources:
Thehotline.org
1-800-799- SAFE (7233)
Womenslaw.org